All couples experience some hiccups and roadblocks along the way, but it seems like a lot of them are concentrated in one’s thirties and forties.The story doesn’t always end up in separation or divorce but chronic fighting/arguing can certainly put a strain on any marriage or relationship. What makes romantic relationships deteriorate? What can help them improve and re-emerge stronger than before? How is it linked to each person’s own issues? And what makes people just call it quits? Those were my main questions when I met Isabel Galiardo, marital counsellor and founder of Inner Bridge. Isabel is a wise lady who has been helping couples overcome their difficulties through self-awareness and mindfulness for many years now, way before these concepts became mainstream. Her approach focuses a lot on self-exploration and helping people gain clarity on who they are, their behavior, their perceptions, and how all of these things impact their relationship with one another.
The time I spent with her over coffee wasn’t just really interesting, it blew me away. And when listening to the audio of our interview over and over, it was very hard to pick out the parts I would share with you because all of it was a goldmine. So here goes, hope I selected the right ones, and that you find her insight as enlightening as I did.
WM: In your experience, what is most often at the source of marital issues?
IG: There are many. But in the end, regardless the issue, we address it by creating space for exploration in order to understand what is really going on. Couples come to me initially because they are ready to tackle problems like infidelity or communication issues; but most of the time, these are just the tip of the iceberg. As painful and difficult as they may be, the problems that bubble up to the surface are just a small part of the bigger picture. The moment we take a step back and gain perspective, we start understanding the dynamic between 2 individuals.
On my end, I try gaining this perspective by spending a lot of time listening to each individual and observing things like body language and intentions behind their words. What is this person trying to say, what are they expressing? We have a lot of layers and history in our psyches – and throughout client sessions, we try to peel them off. This approach however does require people to be curious, open and non-judgmental, it is detective work, we are fishing for information. The moment we bring in shame, defense mechanisms, blame, make labels, take sides, bring into the picture judgement and prejudice, the whole approach is killed.
Most of the time, clients who come are ready to be open and honest with themselves. As we progress, they gain a lot of insight on themselves and what has been happening in the relationship. This awareness and understanding allow them to identify the fundamental reasons behind the issues in their relationship.
WM: What is love and what isn’t it?
IG: In a relationship, we say “I love you” so easily – and we are convinced we love the person – but when we question ourselves, we may realize we don’t even really know who they are and how they see things.
Love is something we often take for granted – thinking that it will just come to you like in a fairy tale, where a prince and princess fall in love and make themselves happy for the rest of their life. That is naive. Love is something you develop, it is a capacity to love yourself first and then to love others. We can get so self-absorbed, so entangled in our own dramas, issues and perceptions – which probably means we don’t have enough self-love – that it becomes an obstacle that will prevent us from really “seeing” the other person. Here is how I see it: when I have enough clarity to see you, I can love you. Until then, I am just having an affair with myself. Love requires self-awareness.
WM: What do you mean by self-love?
IG: Self-love has to do with knowing yourself. A lot of people may say, “of course I know myself, I am a mother, a wife, I have x occupation, these are my personality traits, etc”. Most of us have this illusion of knowing ourselves – but often, it isn’t until life slaps us in the face with tragedy, relationship or financial issues, health problems, etc and we find ourselves very low, vulnerable and/or lost that we really ask ourselves who we are. Being lost is a gift because it can give you the opportunity to ask yourself the right questions and face your deeper issues. Otherwise, we tend to go through life on auto-pilot and think that we know and love ourselves – even if there is a lot of proof of the contrary.
WM: What kind of proof?
IG: The way we behave and relate to others can tell us a lot about who we are. If we manipulate or pretend to be someone you are not for example. Not being authentic means you don’t think you are good enough to show them who you really are. Think of all the social media accounts where people portray an image of themselves that is far from reality – you wouldn’t do that if you loved who you really were. We often feel the need to hide behind a persona. We see this in relationships a lot. You want to seduce the other person and present your best image.
Over the long term, this isn’t sustainable. If we start relationship, at some point we will be confronted with this “darker side”. And don’t get me wrong, it’s not a monster, it simply represents the aspects of ourselves that are hidden and live inside of us. We can see them through our projections, the way we react sometimes, our anger, our fears, they can be expressed in many ways. These wounds are unresolved issues we may not be aware of probably because we weren’t ready to confront them when they occured. But they show up here and there – and this can be hurtful to the people with whom you are in a relationship with, including your partner, children and friends. Self-love is to know yourself enough to take care of your wounds and own them.
WM: Concretely, how does this work? A lot of women know they are a certain way or they know they have already identified a wound and where it stems from. Then what?
IG: Of course. Awareness is step 1. You cannot take away your wounds, but you can confront, understand and accept these aspects of yourself and recognize when they affect your behavior towards others. After a while, you will see patterns – they present themselves in certain situations, with certain people, for example. Be curious and compassionate with yourself when trying to understand why this feeling or behavior is coming out and what need it is fulfilling. Once you acknowledge these needs and start understanding your behaviors better, you will find ways to not let them get in the way of your relationships. By not letting wounds lurk in darkness, by bringing them out there and managing them, you will eventually let go of fear, tension or other things that are keeping you stuck in the same behavioral patterns.
Take something like jealousy. Deep down, jealousy often has to do with a sense of inadequacy, with a feeling that you are not worthy of love and as a result are afraid that your partner will find someone better. It could also be a wound of abandonment – perhaps you’ve been cheated on before or perhaps you have been neglected in childhood. It need not be traumatic – you could have grown up in a functional family but still have been neglected in many ways. Whatever the reason, once you know, you’ll be able to see it in action, think before you act and learn how to manage it.
WM: What is co-dependency and how does it show up in couples?
IG: It is the dance of not being in touch with my own wounds and not taking care of myself properly and expecting you to save me and give me what I need. That brings a lot of entanglement and can lead to lies, manipulation, blackmailing, etc.
There is a useful concept called the Karpman drama triangle where you see 3 roles: the victim, the bully and the rescuer. We dance around this triangle. So for example, I become a victim if my wound is abandonment – I become a victim every time you don’t give me what I feel I need and deserve. I feel abandoned, like I have no support and it makes me feel very angry. And I shift to the bully role, where I tell my husband that he is a bad husband, emotionally disconnected, selfish and self-centered. When I am the bully, the other person becomes the victim. But then I feel guilty because I love him so I become the rescuer – and you say something like “I love you, I am so sorry, we can get through this, just give me some validation and I will be fine”. And this keeps happening over and over.
WM: How do you get out of this?
IG: You need to step out of the situation and take care of yourself. You cannot change but you need to love and accept who you are – and manage those wounds.
WM: Can a couple recover from issues like infidelity or other massive issues?
IG: It depends on the circumstances, but yes. The moment you understand that you are not the victim, and that you take responsibility of your contribution in the dynamic, you don’t need to forgive the other person because you can clearly see the dance both of you unconsciously choose to dance. The choice now is: do you want to continue to dance to this? If not, either you don’t stay with the person or the couple can decide to change the dynamics of the situation. An affair is not something horrible that has happened to you. It has to do with with multiple and complex dynamics within the couple. I know it is painful and I know it hurts but we can do better than just blame the other person.
Emotional or physical abuse however requires an urgency to protect yourself. Don’t allow the other person to treat you this way. If you do, ask yourself why you keep playing this role of victim. It is very twisted but when we are victims, sometimes we do it because in a strange way, remaining a victim has benefits. The price is really high but we are so scared of change, so afraid of leaving our comfort zone, we are able to make up all sorts of excuses and justifications to stay in the victim situation.
WM: When is a marriage not worth saving?
IG: Again, this is something that depends on the person and situation. It is so personal, your consciousness or inner voice will tell you. Sometimes, a person may feel like it is time to start fresh, to be alone, to change. As a counsellor I am there for self-exploration and inquiry, I don’t suggest people stay or don’t in the relationship. Your best counsellor is inside of you – you have been living inside yourself forever, you are connected to your inner voice – just listen.
Isabel Galiardo, Counsellor and Founder of Inner Bridge
Inner Bridge runs private sessions, weekly workshops and retreats around Conscious Relationships and Mindfulness. If you would like to know more information, please consult:
Tel: 0555354702
Email: isabel@theinnerbridge.com
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/p/Bfr95b2hFCg/
