Are You Connected With Yourself? An Expert Interview

Ever feel disconnected from your career, friends, environment or other important aspect of your life? Or are you in a state of chronic discontent, constantly looking for version 2.0 of yourself that is more successful, easy going, slimmer or younger-looking? I think it happens to almost everyone at some point. And we either do something about it, change our mindset, or sweep it under a rug and carry on until the next time the feeling creeps up. I regularly sweep. But there have been times in my life where the disconnect between what I was doing and who I really am were too big not to deal with it. One thing that I have found very useful in these times was to work with a coach. Coaches aren’t there just to make you talk – they give you tools, homework, guidance, help you set clear objectives and create a road map to achieve them. The rest is up to you. It takes time but it gives you results. So if you are like me and need a little push when it comes to reconnecting with your inner you, then perhaps give it a try.

And if you aren’t quite ready to take that step, then read today’s article.

I want to introduce you to Lionela Todirean. She is an identity coach. She’s also my go-to Instagram account when I want food for thought or a dose of authenticity and inspiration. Based in Dubai, Lionela spends her free time running free workshops, researching, speaking or writing about behavioral psychology, making changes, adopting a positive mindset and a lot of other interesting topics. She is passionate about helping people connect with themselves and achieve what they are meant to. The rest of the time, Lio is a mother of two and a dental professional who loves her job. Like all great learners, she says she is not an expert but when it comes to coaching I think she is….

WM: What does an identity coach do?
LT: An identity coach is a guide who tries to help people uncover, remember and re-write who they really are in the light of their own personal values and beliefs. We grow up in a certain environment and receive messages from this environment: as women we should look like this, we should act like that, we should have this sort of career – or not – we should have children, etc. And we adopt these because we want acceptance, we don’t necessarily believe in all of them. As we age, these inner conflicts may cause problems in our relationships, work, etc. because the image we have ourselves or of our ideal self is dissonant with our true self. I help people get to the root cause of these and give them tools that will trigger positive action.

WM: When should one consider seeing an identity coach?
LT: Anytime someone experience feelings of:
– uncertainty
– feeling stuck
– disconnection
– fear
– obsession over something
– general emotional pain without an obvious external stressor

These sort of feelings are often a sign of an underlying issue that has to do with our identity. For example, someone who has an issue with food – undereating, overeating, food micro-management, guilt or stress around food – food isn’t normally the problem, it is probably just time to review that inner dialogue and identity definition.

WM: Once you know there is an identity issue though, how does one go about addressing it?
LT: Usually, what triggers you on the outside is something you don’t accept within yourself. So you need to get down to the essence of you: really understand who you are and why you feel/do the things you do. Then you need to accept it, set a realistic image for yourself and create your own story. Often, when you connect with yourself, stop pursuing other people’s goals and start achieving our own, thing start looking up.

WM: As a coach, how do you advise people to go about getting this done?
LT: I encourage them to do self-awareness exercises. These are the ABCs of getting to your essence. Do them in writing, take the time to go in depth and think them through. This might sound airy-fairy but it is essential, effective and should not be underestimated. Ask yourself questions and be honest with yourself:

Who am I? Remember though, achievements, possessions or what you do for a living are not your identity. List all your qualities – positive and negative ones. Pessimist, optimist, loving, generous, curious, self-conscious, etc. If this is too difficult, maybe start by asking yourself who you are not.
What identity traits are not serving me? Which ones are outdated are not even mine?
What traits or beliefs am I fighting against/struggling with and what am I not accepting? Ask yourself why – do this 7 times until you really get to the root of it.
What traits in others drive you crazy? Often, this gives you a strong clue about what your unresolved issues are. In some cases it comes in the form of envy: you might dislike people who are ambitious and confident because deep down maybe you wish you were too. Other times how you feel about someone might uncover what you don’t like about yourself. So for example a parent might be overly hard on their child if they share certain negative traits. Our reactions to others may also indicate something about what standards we give ourselves. For example, a a manager who is a perfectionist might get extremely annoyed with someone in their team who is not because they are holding them to the same high standard of perfectionism that they have imposed on themselves. No matter how you interpret it, looking at what irks you in others gives you will give you valuable food for thought that can help you better understand yourself.

WM: Some coaches suggest to get feedback from friends. What are your thoughts on this?
LT: Of course, but first do your inner work. Once it’s done, branch out and seek feedback from people you trust. A few tips on this:

Explain what you are doing and that this personal work is really important to you
Listen and analyze
If there are parts about the feedback that upset you, if it has a strong emotional response from within you – this is the most important, keep it and try to understant why. Do not retaliate!

WM: Then what? Where do you go from there?
LT: Self-awareness and knowing who you are deep down makes everything easier. You need to watch over yourself, accept who you are today, recognize the issues, insecurities, etc; that bubble up to the surface and adopt a positive attitude and growth mindset. Take small steps to do things and behave according to who you are. If you want to change a habit, for example if you want to start exercising but in the past have always made excuses not to, watch your self-talk. How you talk to yourself has a huge impact on your results. Instead of saying “I am not sporty and am rubbish at this”, say “I am sporty, I love going to that exercise class.”. Project yourself, live it, feel it and it will become a reality. It is hard work but totally achievable.

Over time, you will stop pursuing goals, people or situations that don’t serve you. You will also slowly move away from the standards and values that don’t reflect the inner you and start going on the path you choose.