Change is an inherent part of being human, we all know that. But since I’ve been here in Dubai, the sheer number of people in my entourage contemplating change or who have already revamped something major in their life is astounding. We think about it, we read about it online or get books on how to do it, we talk to girlfriends about it, we go see professionals: it feels like an omnipresent topic in the lives of many women in their 30s and 40s. Unfortunately, it’s a much longer journey than we expect and sometimes we never decide to actually embark on it. Why? What makes changing careers, lifestyle, habits, relationships and so on, so difficult?
In comes Kira Jean. I’ve been following this Dubai-based motivational speaker/author and mentor for a while and find her to be very inspiring, almost à-la-Oprah-Winfrey inspiring, you know? She’s a super down-to-earth lady but there is a lot of depth in what she says and does. So as I began exploring the subject of change , I thought of Kira and decided to have a chat. Here it is, I hope it can give you something to ponder over the holidays.
WM: Why is it so hard to change “lifestyle” behaviors – for example, eating healthier, giving up bad habits or letting go of toxic relationships?
KJ: What I see, is a lot of people believing it is only a matter of willpower, which is not usually the case. There’s often a big emotional and mindset component to creating change. If you try to force it to happen by sheer will it won’t work, and if it does it won’t last. You need to look at the underlying emotions and mindset because it’s only when these aspects shift that true change can occur. Usually it’s a case of the habits you want to change fulfilling a basic need or desire of yours. The habit may have been created because it made you feel safe, in control, loved, secure, whatever it may be. Once you know what need it is or was fulfilling you can then find another healthier, more positive way to fulfill it.
WM: What about attitudes like negativity, lack of confidence? These seem even harder – why is that?
KJ: Because they are closely tied to your sense of self and they keep your sense of self safe. For example, if you were 100% confident in yourself you may have to take action on those things you say you really want and become a new, more confident, and happier version of yourself. To the fear-based part of your mind that seems too great of a risk, as it’s job is to protect you and not lose any part of you, so anything that threatens your sense of self or identity is seen as a danger. Things like negativity and a lack of confidence protect you by stopping you from stepping outside of your comfort zone and embracing change.
WM: Often, we really want to make a change (for example, career) but don’t seem to have enough drive to take that first step. What is stopping us and how can we just get on with it?
KJ: It’s not always a matter of drive. I would say the main thing stopping people is a lack of faith or trust in themselves. The best way to just get on with it is to decide. A lot of people will spend months and months agonizing over it, making lists, making an action plan, when really you just need to decide you want it and take a step – any step! You have to create movement and in a forward-moving direction.
The first step is to decide that you will, the second step is to take action that supports that decision. You can ask yourself, “Is what I’m doing supporting my decision?”. The key here is to work on strengthening your faith and trust is yourself, once you have that you’ll truly be unstoppable, and you will be able to decide and act with more ease and certainty.
WM: What are common mistakes people do when they want to make a change?
KJ: They make a list or plan about how they’re going to do it! This is the slow, painful way to do it. You’ve got to leap. Decide and act.
Another mistake I see people make is asking for others’ opinions instead of listening to their own inner voice. Lastly, I see some people seeking change because they think it will be the answer to x, y, and z. You cannot create change with ease if it is not for the highest good of you and the highest good of all. Creating change from a place of neediness or the desire to fill a void makes the process very complicated. The good news is it’s very difficult to go backwards. Creating change from a place of fear or lack is not easy, and you will usually end up stuck and not moving anywhere at all.
So you can have faith that when change is for the highest good of all involved it will propel you forward in life, even those changes that are uncomfortable or painful to go through at the time.
WM: If someone wants to change something in their life, what advice would you give them?
KJ: Get comfortable being uncomfortable! Think about how a body builds muscle. First the fibres of the muscles have to tear and become sore before they heal and become stronger.
Also, focus on how you want to feel. The goal of change is never about “the thing” it’s about the feeling “the thing” brings out in you. For example, you may want to change your job because you want to feel more free at work, more relaxed, more supported, more inspired, whatever it may be.
WM: Do you believe in methods like hypnotherapy or mindfulness to help with making change?
KJ: I do. I haven’t tried hypnotherapy myself but I do believe it is a powerful way to create change. Ultimately, I believe you are the only one who holds the power to create change in your life, however finding people who can support you in connecting to and accessing that power can help you and make navigating through change a lot less scary.
How do you personally view change?
KJ: I embrace it. While I don’t always move through it effortlessly, once I know what I want I go for it. I truly believe it is our nature to seek change and growth. As living breathing humans we are constantly evolving, whether we like it or not, so it’s a lot easier to flow with it rather than resist it. I have always been a seeker and loved change, even the ones that are difficult to make. Although, I find it easier to create change with things that are obviously out of alignment for me, and more difficult with the things that are great and comfortable and fine, but deep down I know are not right for me. I always remind myself, just because it’s amazing doesn’t mean it’s right.
Kira Jean is an Australian-born writer and speaker, and the founder of Dreamwork Collective, an independent publishing agency based in Dubai. She has been involved in the health and wellness industry for over a decade, and has studied both western and eastern modalities on how to create health and healing in the body, mind and soul.
She offers online and live trainings and events to help people around the world build their spiritual muscles, learn to live and lead from within, and live creatively.
If you’d like to know more about Kira Jean, please visit her website.
