Not sure it’s always been the case, but certainly in my generation, guilt is a common issue amongst women. In fact, I read somewhere that we are dubbed the GAT (Guilty All the Time) Generation! And I’m not talking about the kind you get when you do something horrible, but rather the daily, weekly type you get that pollutes your mind. A few examples: feeling guilty for working if we have kids, feeling guilty for not working, feeling guilty for not wanting kids or not being able to have them, feeling guilty for being too aggressive at work, feeling guilty for not calling friends and family enough, feeling guilty for having eaten too much over the holidays, constantly justifying ourselves when it isn’t necessary, shall I go on?
Some may think I’m going overboard but I suspect many of us gals have a guilt gene….and I for one would love to get rid of it. So when I met Isabel Galiardo, marital counsellor and founder of Inner Bridge a few months ago and discovered how knowledgeable and experienced she was with all things emotional, I knew the day would come where I would have to ask her about this whole guilt thing. And lucky for me (and you!) that day finally came. As usual with Isabel, it took forever to select the best bits because it was all so interesting, so forgive me if it’s a tad on the long side, but trust me, it’s gold. Or at least it is to me.
WM: Where does guilt stem from? How does the guilt process work?
IG: The experience of guilt comes in multiple forms and shapes but ultimately, it stems from a fear of not belonging or not being accepted. It brings with it a sense of inadequacy and anxiety that is often intertwined with shame. When we start depending on external sources like parents, friends, family and society for approval, we start losing connection with our true nature and essence; and this disconnect can bring on guilt. For example, if we are told early on that being fat is bad, we might change the relationship we have with food to avoid rejection. And then, on occasions when we eat too much, we will feel guilt because of the fear of not living up to the external rules we were taught.
WM: Are women more guilt-consumed than men?
IG: Not necessarily. Men feel guilt as well, but they don’t share it as openly because society doesn’t really allow them to do so.
For women it is different. The idea of sacrificing our happiness and wellbeing for the sake of others is somehow engrained in our brains. We are raised to be givers, to be loving, giving, generous and kind – this brings on a certain pressure. As such, it is easy to feel guilty when we are taking care of ourselves. So what is actually our self-care can be interpreted as selfishness.
WM: Can we discuss the need women have to do it all these days and be Wonder Woman and the guilt that ensues if they aren’t? (LONG ANSWER I KNOW, BUT WORTH IT)
IG: Again, it’s about being disconnected from who you really are because you want to be accepted by society, parents, family, friends, etc. You may feel, for example, that to gain acceptance and be “successful”, you must work, make good money, have children, be the perfect mom, a perfect wife, be thin, active at school and adopt a certain behavior. The problem is that all of these ideals are not yours, they are external. And they are unrealistic. So at some point you “fail” and you feel guilty.
But we feel “safe” knowing that we can follow a certain path defined by others to try and gain this acceptance: go to high school, then university, work in an office, make a certain amount of money, get married, have kids, live a certain lifestyle, etc. In many ways, this dependence on external ideals and its structured path takes away our sense of responsibility towards our own evolution. This can go on for years and years until we get a wake up call – someone we meet, a new situation, depression, disease, divorce – and for just a moment you might stop being so concerned with material things and external ideals and have an honest encounter with yourself. Am I being me? Am I being authentic? What is really important to me? When you free yourself from this guilt of not belonging to a path that isn’t yours and instead start trusting yourself and what life brings to you, you will feel lighter, become more humble, experience less fear, start learning more and actually achieve more of what you are meant to. Guilt always brings stagnation, constriction, it is limiting. This is why we sometimes hear some women say that they are happier at 50 than they were at 30.
WM: What about the working mom guilt? Why do some women have this and others less?
IG: That’s about taking responsibility and being aware of your own decisions. If I’m working because this is my decision – regardless the reason, whether it is because I love my job or because contributing to the family finances is very important to me – then I will be more at ease with my own choice. When we approach life as an adult and make conscious choices, whether it is staying at home or working, they are our choices. The more it comes from us, the easier it becomes to get away from this guilt.
WM: Not everyone has chronic guilt and some people might and not recognize that they do. How can one tell if it’s an issue for them?
IG: This is very personal and it manifests itself so differently from person to person. If you are constantly feeling stressed, divided, frustrated and always justifying yourself; or if you feel like a victim and get the impression that you are not choosing your life, these are often signs and it is a good opportunity to look inwards and explore your real motivations and authentic self.
WM: Is there such a thing as healthy guilt, for example feeling guilty for big mistakes we’ve made? How can that be managed?
The word mistake has a lot of negative connotations: it is linked to the idea of being imperfect, wrong and not good enough. Having said that, regretting something we’ve done, like being dishonest or screaming at an innocent person, is important. It brings responsibility and consciousness to our personal evolution, and we need to learn from these “mistakes”. But if we interpret them as a problem rather than as an opportunity to learn, we can get trapped in guilt and go nowhere. If on the other hand we accept them and confront them from a place of “opportunity to do better” and responsibility rather than as a problem, we will be more likely to try and do it differently next time. Being responsible means to respond to life and be in this honest dialogue with it. You are responsible for your actions and don’t need to be absolved by a higher power (parent, friend, husband, boss, etc) for something you’ve done; that just creates a very childish attitude towards life; ie. “I have been naughty but now I have been forgiven and absolved.” That implies you can now wash your hands of the situation and that won’t help you grow. A psychologically mature person is able to admit “Ok I feel sad or disappointed and regret what happened because that behavior damaged myself and others, and I want to change it. I am aware of my responsibility, now I can move on.” Just feeling guilty on the other hand makes you stuck in the same place and has you running around in circles. It is like an excuse.
WM: What about guilt over things we continuously do wrong and wish we could change? For example, certain chronic behaviors or addictions? How can we approach this? (ANOTHER LONG ONE…ALSO WORTH IT)
IG: Let’s take a simple example. I want to lose weight but have an issue with food. If I feel guilty and ashamed every time I eat too much because it goes against the ideals of an external authority like society, then I will face this situation again and again. Unless I have an honest conversation with myself, I won’t get the right answers or really understand the situation. You might control and suppress this urge to eat dessert during some time depending on your will power but at some point you will fail and repeat the same behavior and the cycle will repeat over and over again: guilt, shame, etc. If you try to understand why is this going on deep down, and ask the right questions you will deal with it more realistically and without depending on someone else.
The moment we create a division within ourselves, we are conflicted. Me wanting to be in control, wanting to be healthy, slim, whatever, I have to fight against myself – my addictive personality or whatever – I become conflicted with myself and this causes a lot of anxiety and the negative aspect is going to win because it is coming from the subconscious mind. So I can do everything right consciously-speaking – planning my meals, going to see a nutritionist, trying to stick to a diet program – but there is a part of me in the subconscious that isn’t being taken into consideration and it is just lurking and waiting to sabotage my efforts the second it can. Once you acknowledge this subconscious element and start including a way to manage it into your plan, you will feel less stressed because deep down you know that you aren’t just doing the right things externally but also internally. The issue is that a lot of people only take external measures because that is “easier” than having a really honest conversation with yourself.
WM: If someone does have an issue with guilt in their life, what can they do to connect with themselves and liberate themselves from it?
IG: Follow your instinct and seek help from someone you trust who is neutral and experienced. There are also tools that you can use. Meditation is a great way of diving in and meeting with yourself for many people. It always helps when you stay in touch with nature as well. Also, try practicing an activity like art, playing music, writing, painting, or whatever pastime that allows you to be you. Just always remember to do it from a place of awareness, curiosity, honesty and without judging yourself. That is crucial if you want to free yourself from prejudice and limiting beliefs.
WM: For those of us who are parents, how can we avoid making our kids feel guilt?
IG: Don’t make them feel ashamed. Listen to them. When parents impose their ideas, it often comes from a good intention because they want their kid to belong, to be successful, accepted by their friends and society and to be happy. But ask yourself, is this really happiness? That child will grow up and might tick all those boxes yet still be dissatisfied with their life. Let them be who they are. You don’t need to create anything, it’s there, you just need to take it out.
In fact, the word to “educate” is derived from the latin words “educare”, which means to nourish, to bring up and “educere”, which means to draw out and bring from. It is about helping children extract their potential and the essence of who they are, it isn’t about imposing our own beliefs, ideas, expectations and prejudices on them. It is about accompanying the child, creating the right environment for them…to be them.
WM: Then what do you do when a child does something they really shouldn’t be doing like making fun of somebody or lying?
IG: The moment they have a little bit of awareness, if you allow them to explore what was the motive for that behavior they will understand. They will recognize whether it was because they were envious, because the other kid was making fun of them the other day, or whatever reason. If you give them the opportunity to explore it in a non-judgmental way they will come up with the answer.
Isabel Galiardo, Counsellor and Founder of Inner Bridge
Inner Bridge runs private sessions, weekly workshops and retreats around Conscious Relationships and Mindfulness. If you would like to know more information, please consult:
Tel: 0555354702
Email: isabel@theinnerbridge.com
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/p/Bfr95b2hFCg/
